Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.