Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?