My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.