Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’