“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You Might Also Like
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?