I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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a lot to unpack here
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?