Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
had to make it
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”