Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
You Might Also Like
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
it is time once again
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
this is the best interaction on twitter
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.