Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.