What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup