I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Discuss
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind