Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
What kind of a cult is this?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒