Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.