*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Perfect.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
What fresh Hell is this?!?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)