I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.