“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that