I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
One venti cheeseburger please.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I wanna be friends with this person
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Chicken bread
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.