[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
we’re dead?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away