Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.