Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor