If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.