My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination