My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Cha-ching is my safe word
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*