Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You Might Also Like
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.