Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol