After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
incredible book dedication
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.