jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
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Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
#NoRestForTheWicked
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”