Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog