If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Simple enough.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.