No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.