I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
when mom throws a party…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
(more comics:
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet