Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
can’t talk my ride’s here
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Oh no
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.