Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You Might Also Like
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap