My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies