You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
🤣🤣🤣
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
tourist season
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?