I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.