Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
dam girl
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.