Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
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I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Mornin
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man