Hero horse inspires millions
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
plant them where lol
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
you gotta be faster
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I will never stop laughing at this
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.