As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.