EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Sooo many times…..
Unexpected Judgment
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap