Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
won’t smith
went fishing caught a bass
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”