Me irl
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Oceanography is all about current events
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.