Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.