I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.