You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.