Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you