her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight