Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
and this one
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.