If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Seems a bit forward
i think we should see other cousins
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.